Post by Yuk YuK on Mar 2, 2006 3:22:50 GMT -5
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over."So," says the cop to the driver,"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk."Well," says the cop,"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk."For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
---------------------------------------------------------------
proxy father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided
to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the
day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife and said,"I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"Mrs.
Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked."Well,
good! I've made a specialty of babies.""That's what
my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing,"Well, where do we
start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too;
you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the
top of a bus."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with.""She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm
afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five
deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said."And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward."You mean they actually
chewed on your, um.. equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's too much for me to hold very long. Madam?
Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!"
driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over."So," says the cop to the driver,"where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk."Well," says the cop,"it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk."For a minute
there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
---------------------------------------------------------------
proxy father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided
to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the
day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed
his wife and said,"I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,"Mrs.
Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked."Well,
good! I've made a specialty of babies.""That's what
my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing,"Well, where do we
start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in
the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on
the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too;
you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I
shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be
pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it.", Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the
top of a bus."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with.""She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm
afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five
deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in
amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said."And for more than three
hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward."You mean they actually
chewed on your, um.. equipment ?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set
up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It's too much for me to hold very long. Madam?
Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!"