Post by Yuk YuK on Feb 24, 2006 5:21:08 GMT -5
This was sent to me from a retired Texas State Trooper
Rules to Enter Texas:
Applies to each person as they enter Texas.
Learn & remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells.
That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us.
Get over it. Don't like it?
I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.
We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish.
You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women.
That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses.
But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas A&M or University of Texas. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:"Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas!"
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him,"I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain as to which one is which. And now that these results are back we have a scenario which runs from bad to worse!!"
"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We are uncertain as to which one is your wife's."
"That's terrible! said Mr. Smith."Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But your Health Care, won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Your Health Insurance has recommended to us that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't screw her!"
Rules to Enter Texas:
Applies to each person as they enter Texas.
Learn & remember:
East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road."
I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus.
Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & oil wells.
That's what they smell like to you.
They smell like money to us.
Get over it. Don't like it?
I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south.Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed.
We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves.
It's called being friendly.Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish.
You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women.
That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu.
Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads.
We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!
Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... It AIN'T REAL CHILI!!
Chili was born and bred in San Antonio.... and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
13. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses.
But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Texas Tech, Texas A&M or University of Texas. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, than any other state, so "Don't Mess with Texas," If you do, you will get whipped by the best.
17. Always remember what our great governor Sam Houston once said:"Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas!"
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab technician says to him,"I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your wife's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent at the same time and we are now uncertain as to which one is which. And now that these results are back we have a scenario which runs from bad to worse!!"
"What do you mean?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We are uncertain as to which one is your wife's."
"That's terrible! said Mr. Smith."Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But your Health Care, won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith.
"Your Health Insurance has recommended to us that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't screw her!"