Post by Yuk YuK on Jan 29, 2006 4:26:43 GMT -5
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the
few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter
and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:"Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks:"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk replies,"Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ttthe
ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."That was
my pager,"he said,"I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a
micro chip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna an went
to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly
finally said...
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
SOMEONE WANTED MOMMA JOKES
Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager
Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo
Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard
Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light
Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world
Your momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep tryin to get back up again
Your mammas so fat and stupid, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide
Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing "we are family"
Yo momma is so fat when she goes to a restaurant she has to be greased in and out of the boothes
Yo mamma's so fat she was attacked by japenese mlitary, they thought she was godzillas wife.
Yo mamma's so fat when she went on school feild trips the school had to raise fund to feed her.
Your momma's so fat she makes free willy look like a goldfish
Yo mama is so fat when I layed back on her stomach i rolled twce and I was still in the middle
OLDIE GOLDIE
Subject: customer service call...
CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL
This has got to be one of the funniest things I've
heard of in a Long time. I think this guy should have
been promoted, not fired. This is a True phone call
from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed
from a Recording monitoring the customer care
department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was
fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without
Cause." This is actual Dialogue of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why
they record these conversations!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I
type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me
if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer
of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily wobbles the
few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter
and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk:
"Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:"Yes we
do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks:"Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk
onnee,ttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk?"
The clerk replies,"Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo tturrrnnn ttthe
ffffuuccckkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly."That was
my pager,"he said,"I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his
ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a
micro chip in my hand."
The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he
had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna an went
to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his
behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly
finally said...
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
SOMEONE WANTED MOMMA JOKES
Yo momma's so fat she needs a VCR for a pager
Yo Momma so fat the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
Your mama's so fat that her belly button makes an echo
Yo momma's so fat her cerial bowl comes with a lifeguard
Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light
Yo momma's so fat she had to get baptised at sea world
Your momma's so fat when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep tryin to get back up again
Your mammas so fat and stupid, when it was raining she used the freeway for a slip and slide
Yo momma's so fat that when the whales saw her they started singing "we are family"
Yo momma is so fat when she goes to a restaurant she has to be greased in and out of the boothes
Yo mamma's so fat she was attacked by japenese mlitary, they thought she was godzillas wife.
Yo mamma's so fat when she went on school feild trips the school had to raise fund to feed her.
Your momma's so fat she makes free willy look like a goldfish
Yo mama is so fat when I layed back on her stomach i rolled twce and I was still in the middle
OLDIE GOLDIE
Subject: customer service call...
CUSTOMER SERVICE CALL
This has got to be one of the funniest things I've
heard of in a Long time. I think this guy should have
been promoted, not fired. This is a True phone call
from the Word Perfect Help line which was transcribed
from a Recording monitoring the customer care
department. Needless to say the HelpDesk employee was
fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
WordPerfect organization for "Termination without
Cause." This is actual Dialogue of a former
WordPerfect Customer Support employee. Now I know why
they record these conversations!
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I
type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks
like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you
when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see
that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me
if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of
it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle -- it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got
it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take
it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer